if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
