She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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