there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
