I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
