In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
love makes seman taste better
if i died would you start the facebook group?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
