About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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