thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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