I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
