i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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