He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
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