Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize