I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just forgot I was standing up.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
