I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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