someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
she pinky promised me she was 18
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
