god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
