Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
