remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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