I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
