When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize