my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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