apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
