My hand turned me down
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
