Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
