i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
