4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I faked an abortion last night.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
50% drunk capacity currently
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
