she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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