Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
