Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
