Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize