I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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