bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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