Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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