im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
