Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
