I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
