Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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