Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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