So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
