You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize