i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
