Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
So many bounce houses so little time
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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