from now on my penis is your penis
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
