hotel room ftw
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
