he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
