I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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