I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
