piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
