I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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