Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
