could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
