So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
