I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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