I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
The best revenge is premature balding
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
