Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
