why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
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