If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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