He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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