ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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