Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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