i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
